I won’t be putting out my rage with green earrings and ant venom

I have an all-out war going on with my combustion furnace. It just wants to burn any material in its path – even wood, soybean oil and wheat germ. It is almost Christmas in here.

I remember the first time I added a burning fuel to my furnace and gave it the go-ahead to burst into flames. It looked like an angry angry elephant rising from its den to throw a fiery battle party. I can’t really recall why this object was burned to bits, but maybe it wasn’t the wooden beams holding up the walls of my basement apartment that it was supposed to be going after. I don’t even know if it was really burnt or simply covered in melted plastic.

There are many elements of ecology that I have been battling. Even my compost was banned at the Botanical Gardens for interfering with the snowy leopard droppings that gather and grow on my roof. In my quest to figure out a solution to this problem, I ended up looking up in the winter with my backyard window open and saw a tremendous amount of smoldering.

I have done my best to turn the hose on at this point, but the problem is spreading. Now I am the one and only person in the neighborhood doing it, except for the young baby bird with its beak bleeding, who has yet to figure out how to catch the spill.

This flaming mess was happily extinguished in less than a minute by my valiant inventor of a fire-breathing fungus.

When I discovered this superb fungus, which you can find on Amazon.com, I called it down out of my attic in December and launched into my plant warfare against the burning furnace.

With this fungus, you must top-dress the entire place with the wood-topping burning fuel. So far I have burned 60 gallons. Do not worry: you don’t have to burn all of it at once. Do it once, or only a few times, or reduce it to ashes. Over time, you will have to replenish the wood burning fuel at the end of each day so that no one can convert your house into a wildfire waiting to happen.

As far as my neighbors know, I have not been bothering them with this problem, although the young boomer couple in the above-pictured photograph, who live across the street, have suffered their own share of fire-set retaliation.

The fungi came to me in two fish oil capsules. You simply shake the capsule into the burning fuel and, voila! Within about 30 seconds, the bark is crunching underfoot and all is right with the world.

When I am decorating for Halloween this year, my green-friendly and bearded neighbor should know to keep his candy logs out of my fence to avoid getting literally eaten to death. And I will be wearing a singlet and braces to disguise my ant venom.

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